so i get home today and check the mail. there's a letter from target. saying i didn't get the job. then i see a letter from hochstein. and it says i didn't make the HYSO. and as much as i complain about having to go there on saturday mornings, it would've meant SO much to me to get into that orchestra. so then i started thinking about all the other stuff i suck at. besides from the obvious ones, cello and job interviews, i also currently suck at school, and can't understand math or chem for the life of me. then i started thinking even further back to track this year, and yup, you guessed it, i suck at that too. i may have gotten personal bests or w/e, but there are always gonna be a ton of people better than me, and for some reason that's something i have a problem w/ lately. and mostly, i hate being bad at everything. i'm practically failing out of school and no college is ever going to want me. MCC, here i come. i can't really handle this. and i was thinking how it's a lose-lose situation for me. b/c if i cry, like i did for a second after i got those 2 letters, i'll look like a big baby and be overreacting. but if i just act like i'm ok, like certain people have been known to do, i'll feel like i'm fake and a phony and someone who's just trying to cover up their true feelings. and this makes my whole day upsetting, b/c it's a beautiful day and all i wanna do is go outside. and now my mom's yelling at me b/c i don't take cello seriously. maybe she's right. maybe i don't take anything seriously. that could be why i suck at everything. and now i sound like the biggest drama queen ever, but that's why i made this journal in the first place, right? leave a commment, or not. it doesn't even matter.