I think I've finally figured it out. What death is really like. I had found it years ago, back before I moved here. I remember sitting there, and thinking about my dad's dog that had recently died, and was wondering just what it was really like to die. I've never been a religious person, by any standards. I'm not easily amused or fooled by the whole "skybound entity" watching over us. Not too impressed by the heaven idea either. So I sat there, and figured it would be like not feeling or thinking. You know, not existing. Ceasing to exist in mind, body, spirit, whatever. I think it truly began to dawn on me, the reality of what I had conceived in my mind. And I made the biggest mistake of my life, I tried to blank out my mind and experience my version of death. I succeeded, horribly so. Do you know why I think when the lights go out, you imagine all of those spooks coming to get you? Because your mind doesn't want to admit that there's nothing to perceive. It's a self- defense mechanism of sorts, so that you don't lose your mind. Because that's what it was like. I blanked my mind, closed my eyes, and it felt like I was swallowed into this endless black hole. I immediately felt an extreme panic rise up and fill me up. An ultimate despair of sorts. I can't really remember what it is that happened. I've tried to forget that feeling that I won't exist. The constant thinking I do, just ending, just.. not existing. It's truly impossible to put into words. Like looking down the barrel of a gun, and just wanting to scream, but you can't move. Your ultimate demise just waiting there, at the end of a chamber, just waiting for that one moment you finally feel secure, then jumping out to end you. I "awoke" I guess you might say. I had scratches on my face, skin under my nails. I was crying, and murmuring over and over, "i don't want to die" You might not think this significant of a seventh grader, but you'd have to understand that I never cry. My grandfather died, whom I loved more than anything. I never shed a tear. I tore my thumb off, so that only the skin was keeping it on, no ligament or bone. Never even flinched, thought it was funny actually. My first pet, my cat, which I curled up to sleep with every night for three years, the only person/thing I ever confided in. I found her frozen solid, outside on the walkway, and I simply picked her up, brought her in, and wrapped her in a trash bag. Then, I went to play soccer. Yes, I'm a cold mother fucker, but this... this... vision of death, made me curl into a ball on my floor and scream for immortality. My parents ran upstairs to my room, thinking, I'd gotten shot or something, who knows. Their emotionless child was bawling his eyes out, and wishing to nobody at all, that he'd live forever. years and years after, I'd still think about it and cry into my pillow, murmuring over and over "I don't want to die." I've never told anybody, but I figure you fuckers don't know me anyways, so why not. Just try to empty your mind, and imagine never being able to think, feel, love, see, smell, hear, touch, taste, ANYTHING ever again. You'll know if you get it right, trust me. You'll know.