You know, all of my so called friends say that they wish they could help me all of the time and usually I let them. Well when I want to be alone and I don't want to talk, they get mad at me for that. I'm like god, can't you just let me be alone sometimes. There's just some days that I don't want to talk or anything. You know, sometimes its ok to be alone. I've thought more and more about cutting myself lately. I don't know what has brought it back up. I mean yeah I'm completely unhappy but I don't want to go back to that so it seems like everday I fight the urge. I can't give back in, I have to be strong but the weakness wants to take over my body again. Everyone wants me to talk but I just don't want to. I want to just try and live my life and be like I was before but it just doesn't happen and I'm miserable. Fighting the urge fucking sucks :/ The anniversary of my brother's death is officially in less than a month and I can't believe that its been four years. I still look back to this time four years ago and think about everything that was going on and I wonder why? What happened and why couldn't I do anything to change it. I miss him so god damn much and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish that I had some answers and I would do anything to turn back the clock and go back and tell him everything. Including to not go through with it. I just wish that I could see him again and maybe that's why I'm so miserable right now. At this time last year, I was a completely different person and I pretty much hate who I have become. Life sucks and I'm confused xoxo erin ¢¾