Things are weird.

Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.

The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now. Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.

Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.

In related news.. i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.

I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go.

So much is going on.

I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest. I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.

I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind. But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest.. maybe itll help.. idk.

Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost. Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered. I shouldnt care.

I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.

I'm hungry.

I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly. Must be nice.

I want chocolate.

I have. So much. To do. Its. Insane.