to come and she isnt here and hasnt called and i have to actually for once be back by 630 in order to attend yet another awesome AA speaker meeting where i listen to some lucky grateful-alcoholic relive the details of his drunken debauchery bit by bit by ever loving bit. and i dont mind. its just a matter of time. thats all. i hate being rushed and i honestly in most cases hate waiting. patiently i can be but give me a break. if we talk on the phone at 12. and by 3 youre still not nearby or ready then what the crazy fuck am i supposed to do sit about and wait all night. my sobriety cannot handle this. i like how now i treat it as a separate being. me and my buddy sobriety. clarity i refuse to enjoy. even now as i sit here at the public computer once again. with a water bottle full of vodka. im lying to myself. just because i can. only now i have to work on not being busted. and maybe thats why i enjoy all of this so much because it releases me from my boring usual day of concentrating on a new sober beginning. or maybe im just once again making excuses. for no fucking reason whatsoever. IT ALL COMES SO EASY TO ME. especially the lying.