lonely becomes a habit, to which i revert after extremes. i guess at least i'm safe being unhappy. but i really want a hug. i wrote him an entry in my livejournal. and... i don't know, because he won't tell me until he sees me. but it doesn't matter anymore. i'm kinda free. ___________________________________________________________ "Aw, Sweetness, shit happens. I feel like such an asshole because when I needed help, you were there. Is ther anythign I can do? Maybe beat up the asshole who has weakened your perfect spirit. Boys suck, but don't give up on stuff like love, if it was really meant to be, then it would. Love does hurt, but you gotta work on it a bit. Fuck that idiot that wasn't able to see what a gorgeous being you are...**Kissies and Huggies** " you know who you are. and i fucking love you for this comment. i'm just tired of shit happening. and i don't want him beat up, just far away from wherever i am. for a while. and he supposedly is able to see it... just doesn't want me. i'm not wantable. [7:28 am] __________________________________________________ there are too many things i want. i want the lights to be off and the music overbearingly loud. or not there at all. maybe one candle, that's all anyone ever really needs. the wonderful thing about my body is wax comes off easy. good to have minimal hair. i want to run on the beach. and fall down, and not be expected to get back up. and i want her there with me. so she can roll me over when the tide comes in. and she can drive me back, and let me keep my window down even if it is freezing outside. and she will play weezer if it's daytime, or nothing if it's night. and my hair will knot up, and smell nicer than it usually does. which says something. will smell like the beach. fuck i miss it. and we will drive through newport at two AM. i want to ... get hit by a train. but maybe not for reals. maybe just a dream, so i can know almost what it's like. i want to get a picture of him smoking. in his funny jacket. before another girl can ruin him. before he dies of poison. because it's impossible not to feel for him, even if now the kiss means nothing. i just wish he'd run too. but not with me. i don't want to eat for five to ten days. i want someone i don't know to come get me. i want to know that person. but the little things like name and age don't really matter. i want jaysun slash charles to fucking help someone for a change. [7:55 AM] _________________________________________________________ and oh yes. i want to wake up with the sun coming through a window i don't know, tangled in the sheets that don't smell like me but someone else, wrapped in a someone new that i didn't have sex with yet and maybe never will. and when i roll over, i won't have to worry about whether or not they think i'm shutting them out, maybe i just want to lay on a side that isn't numb. toto's not in kansas anymore [who the fuck cares what time it is AM] ______________________________________________________ really a race between tears and the rain a wrestling match between pleasure and pain satin words scratching bloody skin digging at the horrors within never claimed to tell no lies but honesty comes out as she dies ______________________________________________________ had a nice talk with an old man. ate chocolate. had a nice day. people weren't mean to me. and apparently i can make people laugh. [4:45]